


In the Absence of Memory

by forkflinger



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Axel Is Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Gen, Mentioned Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Post-Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance, Radiant Garden (Kingdom Hearts)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 12:04:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16786612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forkflinger/pseuds/forkflinger
Summary: Maybe having a heart is just like this. You can get everything you ever wanted, and still feel like something's wrong. Roxas is back; what else could be missing? Thinking about it makes Lea's head hurt, so he just tries to forget about it. Forgetting is easier.Until Roxas can't take it anymore.





	In the Absence of Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in a speculative timeline where Roxas has been brought back.

When Roxas came back, Lea thought he had everything he wanted.

They’d been given rooms in the castle at Radiant Garden, considering neither of them had anywhere else to go. Separate rooms, but that first night Lea crept into Roxas’s bed and stayed there, curled around him. And the night after that, and the night after that. In the mornings they woke together, and ventured out into the castle, and dared anyone to say anything about it.

No one did. There wasn’t any reason to, really, aside from a vague sense of propriety. Two hearts had reconnected, and there were more important things to worry about. Besides, anyone could see how Lea’s eyes widened, darting around when he realized Roxas was out of his sight. Roxas too often was found staring into the distance, eyes unfocused, until a gentle touch from Lea jolted him back into the body he wasn’t used to. They anchored each other to the world; it didn’t seem to matter if they shared a bed.

Lea would have been prepared to defend himself if someone called him out. Because it wasn’t like a sex thing, they weren’t having sex, and he didn’t see anybody hassling Sora and Riku about getting caught in every little nook around the castle. Lea’s heart was too raw, still, and Roxas’s body too strange for anything more physical than the comfort of a warm solid somebody. He wasn’t likely to admit that he couldn’t sleep because of the terror of waking up with Roxas gone. Or that Roxas, left alone, would stare at the ceiling for hours until dawn came and he hadn’t gotten his body to sleep. And that was all more than Lea could have articulated, so he just hoped no one asked.

Lea had spent a decade without a heart. He’d forgotten what it was like, and he was relearning it. He had Roxas back, which was all he wanted, all he’d wanted for so long - the one thing that his heart had longed for and fought for and searched for. And any lingering restlessness was surely just a side effect of having a heart again. He had Roxas. He had a heart. He had friends, and safety, and comfort, and Roxas. Maybe he was wrong to think that once Roxas was back, the ache of something missing would be completely gone, the hole in this heart filled. But what else could he possibly need?

He had no fucking idea.

He thought he might not be alone, either. Roxas, sometimes, turned his head to look for someone at a level well below Lea’s height and frowned. 

Or they sat next to each other, laughing, and Lea leaned forward just a little further to look past Roxas at - the laugh died in his throat. No one was there.

Or a comment in passing: “It’s weird how much they’re like us,” Lea remarked, watching Sora and Riku and Kairi chatting.

“Yeah,” Roxas answered, “you and me and - “ Nothing came out to complete the sentence. Lea pretended not to notice. 

***

They were in the city, doing nothing in particular. Kairi had invited them along on some errand, because some fresh air would be good for them. Lea grumbled, just to keep up his image, but Roxas had lit up at the prospect and there was no way Lea would get in his way. At the outskirts, the city still bore the scorch marks of its recent tumultuous history, but here in the central square everything was bright. The buildings had been scrubbed clean or repainted or rebuilt. Ironwork had been polished until it shone. Vendors lined the square in wooden booths with brightly colored roofs. Kairi had gotten involved in a conversation with Yuffie, leaving Roxas and Lea to their own devices.

Lea, per usual, trailed after Roxas as he moved from booth to booth. His hands explored as much as his eyes. He ran his fingers over the weave of a wicker basket, across the grain and along it. He held a length of silk in one hand and a scrap of burlap in the other, feeling the textures contrast. He picked up a polished gemstone set in a silver pendant, letting the chain fall between his fingers, rubbing his thumb against the polished surface. Lea tensed up as Roxas dropped the pendant, dangling it from the chain and letting it swing, but the vendor didn’t yell or snatch it away. These people felt quite fondly toward Sora and his friends, and word got around. Lea and Roxas often found themselves recognized with a friendly greeting or a nod in passing, just for being associated with Sora and crew. The vendors indulged this kid putting his hands all over their merchandise, because they had an inkling of how much they owed to him.

They came across a booth stacked high with breads and sweets, a pudgy man with a gentle face standing behind it. Roxas kept his hands to himself but leaned in to sniff the goods. “What’s that?” he asked, pointing at a basket piled high with rolls.

“Something new,” the baker answered. “I worked some finely chopped hot peppers and sharp yellow cheese into the dough. A little spicy,” he tapped on the crust, which had a cap of browned cheese, “but it balances nicely with the bread.”

Roxas looked over his shoulder at Lea, who shook his head like he hadn’t seen this coming. From what he had gathered, Sora had a sweet tooth that Roxas did not share, and savory foods were high on the list of perks of having his own body again. The kid had no munny, though, which made sense; he hadn’t existed for a while. “At some point you’re gonna need to pay for things yourself,” Lea said, producing a munny pouch from inside his jacket.

“Why would I do that?” Roxas said, stepping aside to make room for Lea to approach the stand. “You’re way more convenient.”

“I spoil you too much. Three, please,” he said to the baker, flashing three fingers in the air for confirmation. The man nodded and scooped three of the rolls into a paper bag. He traded it for the handful of coins Lea dropped in his palm.

“Enjoy!”

“I’m sure we will,” Lea said, passing the bag off to Roxas.

Roxas took the bag and peered inside, examining his prize. He was frowning. “You got an extra,” he said.

“Huh? No, that’s for - “ Lea blinked as his brain stuttered and went blank. “Kairi,” he finished.

Roxas closed his fist around the paper bag. “No it’s not,” he said, eyes down.

Lea scratched the back of his head, because he was right. It wasn’t. He’d gotten three, because he always got three, one for Roxas and one for himself and one for - and there it went again, his mind cutting out halfway through a thought. He shook his head. “Sure it is,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Who else would it be for? It’d be rude to leave her out, right?”

Roxas’s head snapped up. “Don’t lie to me!” he shouted, startling Lea with his sudden change in volume. “You’re hiding something! Just like when - “ He grunted and clapped a hand to the side of his head, eyes squeezed tight.

“Roxas?” Lea reached for him. 

Roxas slapped his hand away. “Shut up! Just - augh!” He shoved the paper bag into Lea’s chest. “Just leave me alone!”

Lea stared, clutching the bag. Then he narrowed his eyes. “What’s your problem?”

“What’s _your_ problem?” Roxas answered, his voice cracking. “You keep acting like I’m gonna disappear, and I’m sick of it!”

“Can you blame me? You’ve made a habit of it!” They were both shouting now, and it drew a crowd at a distance of polite deniability. Lea saw it, but couldn’t be bothered to care.

“I don’t need you following me around all the time! I can handle myself. I don’t need you watching message , and you won’t - just leave me alone!”

Lea clenched his fist, crumpling the paper bag. “Fine!” he shouted back. “Run away again! You wanna be left alone, I’ll leave you alone!”

“Good!” Roxas spun on his heel and sprinted away, pushing through the crowd of strangers. The second he disappeared, Lea felt his chest constrict. This was a mistake. He needed to go after him. But instead Lea gritted his teeth and stalked in the opposite direction, ignoring the concerned look the baker was giving him. He’d barely gotten out of sight when a wave of nausea hit him. What was he _doing_? This wasn’t right. Hadn’t he always said he’d bring Roxas back? No matter how far they ran, he’d always bring them back.

They? Them? _Who_?

His head pounded, and he clenched his jaw and kept walking. Something was wrong, and every time he tried to figure it out his brain seized up. And now Roxas was gone, and he was gone, and last time he ran off he never came back. It was happening again and he was gone and he wouldn’t ever come back and everything was wrong, and he’d tried so hard to bring them back and it was all wrong and something was missing, Roxas was gone and he couldn’t breathe and he felt like he was gonna puke. 

And then he was leaning against the wall in an alley, a sour taste in his mouth and vomit splattered on his boots. He breathed hard, forehead pressed against the cool brick, bracing for another one. It didn’t come, so he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and lurched away.

***

Lea found Kairi almost by accident. He’d stopped trying to think but his feet kept moving, bringing him back to where they’d split up. She was supposed to be helping decorate for a party or something, but a gaggle of children had derailed efforts and commandeered decorations to make crowns out of flowers and ribbons. Because that’s the kind of thing that happened to a Princess of Light.

Kairi was crouched among them, helping tie their accessories into something a little more solid. Lea watched from a distance, leaning against a building. Eventually she looked up and spotted him. She stood and picked her way through the crowd of children.

“Hey!” She stopped and looked around. With a note of urgency in her voice, she asked, “What happened to Roxas?”

Lea shrugged, choking down the panic boiling in his throat at the question. “Who knows? He can do what he wants.” His lungs wouldn’t inflate all the way.

Kairi scrunched up her nose. “Your breath is terrible.” She looked closer. “You don’t look good. What happened?”

“Nothing happened. Everything’s _fine_.” The last word carried enough unnecessary vitriol to override Kairi’s concerns, and she scowled.

“What’s with you?” she asked, hands on her hips.

“What’s _with_ me? Nothing’s with me. Get off my back. You’re annoying.”

“And you stink.” Kairi peered up at Lea. “Did you have a fight or something?”

Lea raised his hand, then realized that he was still holding the paper bag. He stared at it in disgust. “Fuck off,” he snapped.

His voice was loud enough to draw the attention of some of the children. Kairi smiled over her shoulder at them, then turned on Lea and spoke in a quiet, firm voice. “Okay, first? Do not swear in front of children.” Lea rolled his eyes, but Kairi continued. “Second, what happened with Roxas? Because you just showed up to pick a fight with me for some reason. But you’re not really mad at me, are you?”

Lea took as deep a breath as he could manage, but deflated. She wasn’t wrong. “He left. He said I was bothering him and he left.”

“And you let him? You two literally haven’t been more than three feet apart since he returned.”

“Yeah. Well. He was pissing me off.” Lea sighed and slide down the wall, landing hard. Kairi sat next to him as he stared at the stupid bag of stupid bread. “Something’s wrong.”

“You don’t say.” She patted him on the hand. He twitched away.

“Something else,” he said. “There’s something I can’t remember. Something important. It makes my head hurt. And I think Roxas might not remember it too.”

“You think?” Kairi raised her eyebrows “You haven’t talked to him about it?”

“What am I supposed to say?” He waggled his hands sarcastically. “Hey Roxas, do you not remember the same thing I don’t remember? No, the other one.” He let his hands flop into his lap.

Kairi sighed. “Lea. We’ve talked about this.”

Lea rolled his eyes. Just because Kairi was all emotionally mature and responsible, she thought she knew how to handle feelings in a healthy way. Whatever, she was like twelve.

“You have to talk to Roxas. If something’s wrong, you need to talk to him. Not hide it.” She shook her head. “Or lash out.”

“Why,” Lea started, squeezing his eyes shut, “is having a heart this painful all the time?”

“It’s not. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be.” She draped an arm around his shoulders. “You’re trying too hard to be by yourself. Trust Roxas.”

Lea groaned. “I never should have made friends with you.”

“You’d be dead by now without me.”

“Exactly.”

“Miss Kairi!” A pair of children were running towards them, bearing an armful of flowers. “Miss Kairi!”

Kairi glanced at Lea. “Be nice.”

“I am nice. When am I ever not nice.”

The kids arrived, a boy and a girl, both absurdly tiny. How weird that people started that small and grew into lanky skyscrapers like Lea. The boy stared at Lea’s hair, transfixed.

“We finished!” declared the girl, holding up a ring of flowers.

Kairi clapped her hands. “Oh, it’s beautiful! You did such a good job!”

“This one’s for you!” The girl draped a ring of white carnations over Kairi’s bowed head.

“Are you Mister Lea?” asked the boy, eyes wide.

“That’s me,” Lea said. Then, reflexively, “Got it memorized?”

The boy’s mouth gaped open as the girl climbed onto Lea’s lap, nearly stepping on his hand. “This one’s for Mister Lea!”

Even seated, Lea had to lower his head for the girl to reach the top. She spent several minutes in fierce concentration, forcing the spikes of his bright red hair through a ring of yellow daisies. Satisfied, she stepped back to admire her handiwork.

“Doesn’t it look nice, Lea?” Kairi prompted.

Lea could not see himself. “It’s gorgeous. I feel so pretty. Thanks, kid.”

The girl grinned ear to ear. After a moment, though, she furrowed her brow and looked down at the last flower crown in her hands. “Where’s Mister Roxas?” she asked. “You said we should make one for him too.”

“He’s s’posedta be with Mister Lea,” the boy helpfully chimed in. “Roxas and Lea are always together.” 

Okay, so people knew them, but that was a bit much.

“Mister Roxas isn’t here right now,” Kairi started to explain, but Lea was climbing to his feet.

“I’m gonna go find him” Lea said, smiling and reaching down towards the girl. “I’ll give it to him.”

The girl stared up at Lea’s outstretched hand. After glancing at the boy for confirmation, she gingerly placed the string of blue flowers in his hand. “Be careful!” she commanded.

Lea placed his other hand on his chest. “I will protect it with my life,” he solemnly declared.

The girl nodded. Then she flashed a smile so big it made her squint, grabbed the boy by the hand, and dragged him away. Kairi patted Lea on the back. He swatted her arm.

***

He started by heading back to the stall where they’d split up. The baker informed Lea that he’d seen Roxas pass by, and pointed out the direction he’d gone. And also that he looked unhappy, and if he wanted something else from the stand he was more than welcome, and to let him know if he could help, and also that his flower crown was very pretty. He was a chatty baker.

Hopefully Roxas hadn’t gone far, because Lea wasn’t familiar with the rebuilt city. He peered down alleys and peeked behind crates. Roxas was little. He could be _anywhere_. He rolled his head back, looking up, when it occurred to him. 

The tallest point in Radiant Garden was, of course, the towers atop the castle. Roxas wouldn’t have gone that far. But the city had clock towers and bell towers dotting the landscape, and on his third try, Lea crested the stairs to find Roxas, hugging his knees and staring out at the horizon.

A knot untied in Lea’s chest and he could breathe again. He sat next to Roxas, feet dangling off the edge. Once he caught his breath, he said, “Hey.”

“Hey.” Roxas’s eyes were red, and tears had dried on his cheeks. He hid a sniffle.

Lea had come up with something good to say, he knew he had, but it wasn’t coming to him now. He paused, considering his options. Roxas took less time to decide.

“You smell like puke.”

Lea snorted. “Yeah.”

Roxas’s face was still mostly buried in his arms, but one bright blue peeked out. “The flowers aren’t helping.”

“Oh, right.” The ring of blue flowers had wilted slightly, but the structure was intact. Lea draped them over Roxas’s head. They matched his eyes. “Kairi’s making flower crowns with children.”

That sound might’ve been a laugh. “Of course she is.”

“Yeah.” Lea looked out over the city. It wasn’t anywhere near sunset. It should’ve been sunset. They should’ve been higher up. There should have been - 

“We should have ice cream,” Roxas mumbled, so low Lea barely caught it. “There’s supposed to be sea salt ice cream.”

“I know.” Lea looked down at the paper bag still crumpled in his fist. Three rolls. “There’s supposed to be something.” He paused. “You were right. I’ve been scared that you’d disappear again. I know, if I think about it, that you’re not going to vanish the instant I lose sight of you. But I…” He took a deep breath. “I’m scared.”

Roxas took a moment before responding. “It’s okay. I get it. I’m - I think I’m frustrated about something else. I shouldn’t have snapped.” Roxas unfolded, letting one leg extend out into the air. “I think something’s wrong with me.” He chewed on his lip. “There’s something I can’t remember, and I can’t even think about it without getting a headache.”

Lea shook his head. “No. You were right about that too. I’m hiding something. I’m not trying to,” he added hastily, ignoring the headache building at the base of his skull. “I can’t talk about it. I can’t think about it.”

“It’s right there,” Roxas said, looking down at his hands. “Right there, with ice cream and sunsets and you. There’s something else.”

“Something else,” Lea echoed. “Something missing.”

“It’s so close, but when I almost remember it…”

“Don’t think too hard,” Lea said, peering inside the bag. Three rolls. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Roxas snorted. “Gee, thanks.”

Lea pulled the rolls from the bag one by one and laid them on the stone between them. One for him. One for Roxas. And one more. They both stared at it.

“I don’t know who that’s for,” he said at last. 

“Me neither.” Roxas shook his head. “It’s for someone, though, right?”

“Right.” Lea picked up his roll and took a bite. It was spicy, which was weird in a bread, but it balanced with the savory cheese and dense mild bread. Pretty good. Probably a little hotter than was good for his stomach at the moment. Roxas picked up his, but just fiddled with it. They left the third one where it lay.

After a while, Roxas said, “It’s a person. A someone. Right?”

Lea winced at a sharp pain in his temple, but after a second it faded. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure.”

“How did we forget someone? Someone important?” Roxas’s eyes were watering, but his face was determined. “They’re important,” he repeated.

Lea patted Roxas on the head. “Seriously, don’t,” he said. “Take a breath.”

Roxas groaned, but he leaned his head on Lea’s shoulder. “My head hurts.”

“I know.” Lea stroked Roxas’s hair. “Relax.” His mind spun down different lines of thought, and he found some that didn’t cause his head to throb. “If there was someone,” he mused, brushing against the mental barrier, “someone important, we wouldn’t have just forgotten them. Something made us.”

“Is that possible?”

“Yeah, of course it’s possible. I guess you weren’t there for all that nonsense at Castle Oblivion.”

“No. I was… something.”

“Huh. Okay, well, if I’m being honest I wasn’t paying attention to most of it.” Lea drummed his free hand on the stone, thinking. “They were messing with Sora’s memories, switched Kairi out for Namine. Didn’t work, obviously.” He tried to remember monologues about hearts and memories and uuuugh. All those stupid plans were so complicated. “They couldn’t really destroy the memories, just lock them up. Sora broke through it.”

“Mostly,” said Roxas.

“Mostly,” Lea agreed. “You complicated things.” He felt the now familiar sensation of only remembering half of something. “Anyway, Namine was able to mess with him. Stands to reason she could do the same to us.”

“Why would she, though?” Roxas sat back up. “Why would she want us to forget - someone?”

Lea took another bite of his roll. “Maybe she didn’t,” he said around the mouthful of bread. “Just saying, it could happen. Something made us forget.”

“None of this makes any sense.”

“When has _any_ of this made sense?”

Roxas sighed. “So there’s someone that we both forgot. And if we try to remember, we get hurt.” He picked crust off his roll. “This sucks.”

“You’re telling me.” Lea tapped the side of his head. “Being remembered is my whole thing! And now you’re telling me someone can be so forgotten, you can’t even remember you forgot them? What have I even been _doing_?”

“Maybe you should reconsider the catchphrase,” Roxas said, jabbing him with an elbow. 

“It’s not a catchphrase. It’s a charming mannerism.”

“Uh-huh.” Roxas leaned against Lea again. “This hurts less, talking about it with you. I don’t have to try so hard when you’re here to remember too.”

“Yeah. Should’ve done this sooner.”

“You really should.” He smacked Lea’s arm. “Don’t hide things from me.”

“I wasn’t!” Lea protested. “Sort of.”

“You were.”

Lea shrugged, careful not to dislodge Roxas. “It gave me headaches.”

“Then you should have told me that.”

“Yeah, yeah. I got it.”

“Memorized?”

Lea bopped him on the head. “Alright, smartass. I’ll talk about my feelings or whatever. But you gotta quit running off on me.”

Roxas twisted to look up at Lea. “You said you’d always bring me back anyway.”

“Sure, but I’m lazy. Make it easy on me.” 

Roxas laughed. He finally lifted the roll to his mouth and took a bite. “Oh wow, this is really good,” he said, eyes widening.

“Too bad we can never go back to that baker,” said Lea. 

“Mmm.” Roxas stuffed more bread into his mouth. “No, we’re gonna.”

Lea groaned. “Did you talk to the guy? He was so nice. He’s gonna be all sympathetic. Can’t do it.”

“Should’ve thought about that,” Roxas said while stuffing the last of the bread into his mouth, “before getting in a fight in front of him.”

“You started it,” Lea answered, handing over the rest of his roll unpromoted. Roxas ate that, too. They sat for a little while longer before climbing down the tower. They left the third roll behind, for someone.

***

Lea was right about the baker. His eyes flashed when he spotted them, and he said they were looking better and asked if they liked the bread and he was delighted to hear it! He still had a few rolls left and he might as well give them to somebody who would enjoy them, and of course at no charge, they’d just go stale anyway, and those flowers really matched his eyes quite nicely, and if they ever needed anything to let him know and he hoped they had a wonderful evening!

Lea thought back fondly to his time as a Nobody, when he could light people on fire without consequences. Well, for him, at least.

They found Kairi, no longer surrounded by children, cleaning up flower petals. “Ready to go back?” she asked, gently avoiding other questions.

“Yeah,” Roxas answered, balancing the big bag of rolls. “I’m pretty tired.”

“Well, I’m all done here, so let’s go.” She bid farewell to Yuffie. When she turned back, Roxas and Lea were silhouetted side by side, walking away. She frowned. It looked incomplete. 

Someone inside her heart stirred. An unfamiliar name drifted through her mind. She held it for a moment. Her lips moved.

“Xion?”

Then it passed, and she couldn’t remember it anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> It's jalapeno cheddar bread.


End file.
